“The filthy joke that won’t burrow in the corner of your smirking lips, I mourn it to this day.”
The apartment we won’t share is written for those people who don’t understand is that you don’t just mourn your ex lover. It’s about cherishing the bittersweet memories. You mourn about the trips you never went on together. The future you’ll never have with them. The sweet moments you’ll never share again. The silliest jokes. The ‘i love you’ unsaid. The person you can no longer text. The version of you and them that will never exist ever again.
Now I am here again in front of our apartment to pick up what I still had left here. The apartment that we used to share together. The door is always open but it looks shut. Sometimes I wonder what sad wife lives here.
There is no you, there is no us anymore.
Only me standing here alone right now.
Doom and gloom. Alone in this room. I already left my heart at the door ever since that day.
It’s funny how I can still hear your laughter here when we celebrated your birthday. The silliest dream that we’ve built still lingers on my mind. I also remember about the dog that we raised together.
You asked me back then with a fond smile. “Should we raise a dog together? Kita rawat dia bareng-bareng aja disini biar kamu gak kesepian lagi.”
Sadly I would never choose the dog ever again because it always reminds me of you. Now all that remains is only dust and memories. Sometimes, I still have dreams of you every once in a while. In those dreams, there is still love and there is still smiles. In those dreams, we travel like we had always planned to and we never let our love life fade. In those dreams, everything we had ever talked about became true.
Two years and some change, isn’t it strange?
But it was an act of love.
To leave you.
To let you be free to chase what you want.
I hope you shortly find what you long for.
Bigger lives bring bigger problems and our love did slow. Enough to go around, we could become a family. Little doodles for lunch. I hope you know the kids we won’t raise still waits for you. But, still, it’s already over. Because the mother I won’t be is probably for the best for us.
You used to sent me flowers and you said you could buy me a star. God knows those kind of things always took us so far. I’m still here, but you’re not around. All the flowers and stars suddenly fall to the ground.
And I don’t think it’s the right decision to come here — packing up my things that had been left. My eyes caught our old polaroid hanging in the wall. I remember we took that when we celebrated your first gig. I guess you already took the other one when we celebrated your birthday here in our apartment.
“Oh, I didn’t know that you’re here too.” I hear a familiar voice from behind and suddenly I feel like my heart dropped to the floor.
I turned around still processing what happened just now — I immediately realized and answered him, “I just packed my old things, ini sekarang gue mau balik.”
“Udah malem,” He uttered. “Gue anter balik aja.”
I refused his offer by shaking my head quickly. “Gak usah gapapa, gue naik taksi aja nanti. Gak enak juga sama cewek lo.”
He chuckled. “She will probably understand.”
I wonder how she is in a person. I am sure she is beautiful and sweet.
Neither of us expected our future would be like this, none of us thought we would get separated from each other. But at least, I got to experience what it’s like to be loved by you.
