“Cause I am lost, but not in you.”
People might not really talk about how painful it is when you get the love from someone who is being nice and caring to you but you just can’t return the love the same way. You can’t even pretend to love them, you wish to love them unconditionally but it’s not that easy. You hope that you wouldn’t hurt them, sadly, the last inevitable thing you could do is hurting them.
Anaheim is for the people who are not ready to love, who can never promise tomorrow because you are afraid to hurt them but still end up doing so because of their past, the one who has commitment issues and get detached from someone very easily, to those who haven’t done with themselves, the unhealed people that are being triggered by the love they received because of their insecurities and they sabotage it in the end, and to the girls who feel so lost—don’t know how to respond when someone show their sincere love to them.
They asked, “Why? Why are you so hesitant?”
No, I am not. It’s more than just a hesitant. Something that I can’t explain. If someone looks at me, I choose to look the other way. Someone is kind and I bite. They said love is supposed to be freedom. Yes, it is.
But not my love.
My love is being burned alive. My love is being trapped in a shrinking box. My love is burried down. My love is when someone saying “i love you” but I choose to remains silence.
“I can tell that you also mean it,” He said while driving around the roads of Anaheim with the sun setting gradually, the burnt orange skies started to fade away into the darkness as time pushed by just like both of us.
We shared laughter with windows rolled down, your laugh is such a melody that I could spend my days studying that, everything about you was so beautiful. It is until now too.
“About what?” And again you tried to pretend not to know.
“The kiss.” He continued.
Please don’t ask me, the answer is no.
The kiss you shared was always precious — it was slow and tender, full of nothing but sincere love and care. I wanted to feel that too, for love to appear within me for you, to feel the same and return the love that you felt for me all those months we shared.
But I never could. I can’t help but feel terrible. Why can’t I give it the same love? Why won’t my feelings allow me for this?
I can’t promise you tomorrow, because I don’t know what the future will hold. I can’t promise you tomorrow whenever you ask me for it, you’ll see the slight hesitation on my face when I don’t respond immediately — I can’t.
I fear that one day you will finally see in me. The things I’m terrified to see in myself. I jumped into the darkest pit. I dived into the abyss of hell whenever it comes to love. I was born from my father’s rage from his sadness, I still carry it until today. I was born from my mother’s hope but I lost it over time. I raised by them. I am lost. I lost myself in this long road of darkness. I am lost but not in you again this time. Because a girl who’s never known light is bound to fall in love with darkness all over again.
Incoherent words that I forgot. Everytime I read between the lines, I forgot to read the actual lines. I was yours to keep and you were mine to lose. I know I’m going to break your heart someday. Will you forgive me when I do?
I am sorry.
I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I am sorry, you didn’t deserve this when it happened. I am sorry, you want forever but I can’t give it to you. I am sorry, I regret being unable to give you mine.
I wish I didn’t feel revulsion when someone laid their love all over me. I want to accept it without sabotaging love itself. I wish love is more acceptable. I wish love didn’t make me feel like this.
In a perfect world, I’d kill to love you the loudest.
They say you will find someone to fix, but all that I left is the mistaken love that broke in. I’ll never memorise the roads that lead me to you, even if you’ve already made a home for me in your heart. I should have stayed with you till the sunrise, but in the end I decided to left. I’ll never see you again now, it’s for the best, because you deserve someone who can care and love both herself and you.
Your heart truly deserve to be held in the highest regards with the most tender hands you could ever hold within your own and not in my cracked ones that have thorns.
All I do is live to hurt you soundless.
I want you to forget me. It hurts me too to see you love me and to notice the overflowing love in your eyes whenever you listen to me attentively.
Maybe in another lifetime we ended up together until we turned to dust and bone, because we’re both stuck in this universe that doesn’t allow us to end up together. In another universe, we get the ending that we deserve.