And how does it feels being the last card trying to break cycles? How does it feels trying to fit in? How does it feels being left out alone? How does it feels being the one who always try to fix things on your entire family?
Being the last child means you got called as the ‘spoiled’ and ‘they get whatever they want’ kind of person, but they never see what the real titled as being the youngest.
Living. Struggling. Surviving.
There is nothing different.
To feel painfully aware of every messed up dynamic in the family. You’ve just witnessed how everyone treats each other in the family and you felt like you weren’t even in the room. You feel like you’re always too late.
As you grow older, everyone vents to you. You feel emotionally responsible for the whole family – it feels like your job to fix everything together.
The one who receives all the trauma dump from all the adults in the family. The one who witnesses how their house goes from being loud to being quiet because your siblings are slowly building their own life. The one who watches their parents get older and become more vulnerable.
It makes you bottle up your own pains and struggles because you don’t want to cause a scene since your siblings already have bigger burdens to handle. Everyone inside living their lives while your house becomes empty.
Having a huge gap with your older siblings make it more hard wherein they already reached their goals and set standards for your parents. Here you are always trying and trying to prove that you’re also good at some things. It makes you have a fear of failure.
When I was younger, I used to dream of being older. I always said that I can’t wait to grow up. Now that I am, it feels like I made mistakes and regret growing up.
If I could, I would go back to my youngest self when she doesn’t need to run. To when she learned how to take a little step. To when she can laugh freely.
To when she was just a little girl, who didn’t know what was responsibility was. Who didn’t spent her whole live trying to prove something.
Who hadn’t yet witnessed the loss of life.
And I would talk to her. I would let her walk around and I would run after her if I could. I would kiss the bruises once she fell. I would tell her that it’s okay to fall. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to let your emotion out.
I would hold her hand so she would know that she wasn’t alone. I would take her whenever she wanted.
This letter doesn’t intend to invalidate others. How different tiers of siblings face have different battles despite growing up in the same household. I believe an only child, the eldest, the middle, and the youngest child have their own struggles that we keep to ourselves.
We’re all the same.
I hope that you heal from the things you don’t talk about. I hope you can re-connect with yourself again. You deserve to do anything you need to do to feel at peace.